“The rain drops are my tears,
The thunders are my inner screams, I can’t cry, I can’t scream, I’m numb and empty from inside, emptier that I ever been, a shell which is better dead than live like this
Everything around me is in darkness and I can’t see ahead of me anymore
But how should I ever pay for the crime I committed, in one second before my eyes all been taken, how can I stop now this burning pain from my chest and was to late when I noticed that I fallen in love and the ground will be my bed, for eternity… like his “
Were thoughts which never will be heard by anybody…
Only if that shell will be broke and the darkness will be scattered. Like the dark clouds by the sun after a rainy day.
My mom always yelled at me when I was younger “why you’re alive and my baby had to die??
” and she always slapped me and then she was leaving for days. But always she hugged me when came home again, feeling her warmth again, like in my childhood. He didn’t die because of me…She needs to blame someone… And I don’t blame her…But I think I should have paid more attention to her. Few years ago left like she always done after a crises but she never came back home this time. I lost them all now. All in a heavy rain one by one. I only have him and my…
“ Hm! Of what you’re thinking. You’re always spacing out when we meet alone. ” Suddenly Eziel thoughts got interrupted by a soft voice.
“At nothing.” Said it with a bored voice.” Really!” Then smiled and took his tongue out.
Eziel pulled the almost naked boy who was standing before his face on his lap and started easy to kiss his neck going down his arm and bite his wrist so hard that started bleeding. The boy moaned loud from pain but from excitement as well.[...] As the sun was setting down, the room got darker and darker and the boys got embrace by the night and their figures faded slowly in a night of burning passion …
The next morning Eziel left a note to the boy who was still sleeping and left in a hurry while he was talking on the phone, with a serious voice not in a funny or the usual calming way like he was with the boy. “I’ll call you soon
”, on the note was written.
Eziel arrived on a restaurant where a man was waiting for him. The man had his shirt unbuttoned at the neck and wore a black vest, smoking a cigarette while reading the newspaper. He looked at the boy and then asked out of the blue with a calm tone “Did you slept again with him, Eziel?
”… The boy eyes weren’t showing any emotion and cold he replies with a simple, “yes
”. Then Eziel sat on a chair. The man put down the newspaper on the table and looked in the boy cold eyes. “You did well
.” Then continued without Eziel saying a single word like waiting to be told what should do next.
“The boy must pay for your brother death, your father disappearing and the fact your mom lost her mind. Crush him like his family did to yours. I suffered a lot myself because of them. I lost everything as well. Your father was a good friend of mine. Your mother… loved her like a sister. Make him fall for you even harder and then leave him to suffer. We can’t break the all family, but only is enough to make suffer like they done to us. ” Said the man and put his face in his hands then and raised his head up and continued. “ Hate him, Eziel. Because of his family you lost everything. You’re so numb. Maybe after all will end you’ll be able to cry for the ones who died.” And after all the man lifted from the table, put a hand on Eziel shoulder and said” You’re a good boy
”. And left.
Outside started raining heavily, while the cold drops of rain were falling upon him he didn’t felt anything. Only the hate from his heart was burning each part of his body and clouded his mind. The empty streets reminded him of his void he had in his soul. A void which couldn’t be filled with nothing beside rage. The rain always remembered his adolescence, the time which his world felt apart. Always the flashbacks were so heavy piecing him like some blades.
His father and his friend had a small company but at his age of seventeen something happen and all fall apart. The company burned down and all they lost. The one which got the blame was his father. But rumors said they entered in business with people which they should have stayed away. They lost everything. Their money and their good reputation. The mother blame his father for all. Eziel had a little brother which at that time had only fifteen years old. They kept a secret from their family. A secret which he regretted since the day he made it with his little brother. He felt in love with a boy. The son of the family they had business and which had a great influence in the country. But one day he got missing. After three days a call from the police in a rainy day stopped the time for Eziel.
They found his little brother in a bad area of the town in a small hotel. But he was already dead. Was bound and brutally beaten and raped repeatedly. He was dirty and filled with blood. That image remained in his mind since then. He couldn’t share no tears or scream. Was just staying numb in the front of the door while the police was trying to get him out from there. His mother came few minutes later and when he saw her son she got a shocked. She changed from that day. A week later his father friend came at his home saying his father vanished with all the money they got left. Something inside Eziel broke and stopped smiling, stopped crying, became just a shell. In few days he lost his family and a place in which to feel safe. All the rumors around were saying that the boy paid due his father mistakes and depts. He had with a certain family in the city. ..
Suddenly a voice stopped Eziel from his walk toward no destination. He lifts his head from the ground and in his face he sees the boy with which been all the night. Near him holding the umbrella was a man with glasses in a black suit. “ Eziel, we need to talk soon
”, said the boy almost crying. And the boy walked near him and kissed him on the lips and went to the car, letting behind the man with the glasses. He looked on Eziel and smiled then came near him and said something to his ear” That boy will die for you someday. That much he loves you. Fake little boy
”… And then soft bite his lobe ear… Eziel stood astounded in the heavy rain not knowing what to think of the man words.
Weeks passed and nothing happen, the boys always were meeting on the same hotel. He was still wondering what he wanted to tell him but the other boy was not saying anything. He was the usual self. But more fragile than usual and his skin was a bit pallid lately. Each time they were making love he didn’t looked like he makes him feel good, was looking more he makes him feel sick. Lately he was looking more tired and his thoughts were in other part when they were together.
“ Eziel? … Why you look like that toward me? And jumped in his arms making him fall on his back in bed. “Let me stay a bit ore like this”, said the boy and closed the eyes making a painful sound.
“Didn’t you said that time you have something to tell me”, said Eziel looking at the ceiling while put his arm around the boy.
“Soon.” Said the boy. “ Soon… you’ll be happy hearing it but let me now enjoy my time with you”. He opened his eyes and raised his head from Eziel chest and looked at him. Then stood up and went to the bathroom were stayed few minutes and when came out took his stuff and left saying to Eziel that he really loves him and was happy that he knew him. The boy smiled and opens the door and left. After he left Eziel had a bad feeling and suddenly felt alone and for a long time had a sad feeling…
After the boy left the phone rang. It was the man who took care of him since he lost his family and mother vanished. The man which was in the restaurant. He had the same fate like Eziel father. Broke and without a place anymore where should belong. A stray dog like Eziel. “ Did he told you anything?
” Asked the man on an annoyed tone. “Did you done or said something in a way that the kid to figure out why you’re with him? Kid things gets bad…
” And the man closed the phone without letting the boy talk.
After another few weeks in which the boys didn’t talked or met, Eziel receive a call from his lover phone. But on the phone wasn’t his voice. He was. The man which always was near the boy. “Come on the building which is under construction of the “X” family. You know very well what family I talk. Be there in a hour. Time is running out
” And the call got interrupted. Eziel was feeling confused and he thought if should go or not. Tried calling the man with who he always was but the phone was closed.
Eziel arrives at the building looking around and enters without any emotions in the building. There was the boy waiting for him on the roof. He was dressed only in a pajama and barefoot holding his arms to the back. He was barely standing and was breathing very hard . He slowly started walking toward Eziel which made few steps back and hit the door from the roof entrance. His beautiful green eyes were in the bottom head and his lips were purple and cracked. He hit with the head of Eziel chest and stayed like that few seconds while all his body was trembling from pain. He lifted his arms fast and put them over his neck and kissed Eziel like will be the last time. Then slowly moved his left hand and put his hand in the Eziel pants, smiling while looking in his eyes. And started talking making a sign to Eziel to not say a word.
“Ah! Its hurts so much each move, each breath I take. The doctors said I have no time anymore. I knew this for years. Then I met you… You’re eyes always were cold toward me but I never cared. I know you never loved me at all”…
And the boy stopped to breathe because he was feeling that he was choking. Eziel was looking at him and tried saying something, his heart suddenly started beating faster and faster, his knees were slowly become soft and he was feeling like falling down. The boy put his finger from his left hand on his lips and continued breathing very slow.
“ … with you I felt loved. I hope someday someone to break that mask and shell you put between you and everyone. I hope you’ll cry at last. I’m sorry for your brother and your family. If you’ll smile because my death then I’ll gladly give that smile on your face again… Like that you’ll have your revenge, my beloved Eziel. I love you…”
The boy kissed him once again and slowly took his right hand from Eziel shoulder. In his hand he had a gun. Eziel started shaking and tried saying something but the words weren’t coming and suddenly felt his throat dry and he couldn’t speak. His face was pallid. The boy who barely was staying up in his front took the gun to his head and he closed his eyes with a forcing smiling. Eziel tried to move and tried to reach him but his body was numb, “Don’t…
“he was trying to say but he never had the chance to say it load. The boy pulled the gun and Eziel was filled with the boy blood all over his face and hands. He felt down to his legs while he was staying up watching at the corpse without moving or to be able screaming for help. Behind him arrived the man with the glasses and pushed eziel away making him fall in the boy blood pool which now it was mixed with the rain.
The man took the lifeless boy in his arms and left, letting him down with the face in the blood, scared and realizing a cruel truth. He was in love after all. His heart felt like it stopped and again he couldn’t scream or cry. The rain was falling over him make him to torn in pieces and everything around him was blurry. He once again lost a piece of his soul…
After few days while he was under a severe fever he always mumbled few words “forgive me, love you, don’t”. He got found by the workers and send fast to a near hospital. After a week he woke up. He looked fragile, weak and he barely was talking. The police didn’t fount out much from him. The doctors gave him a letter which was in his pants. It was written by the boy with few hours before killing himself. Eziel hesitated to read it but even if his all body still was shaking he open the letter and something hit him very hard making him scream so hard and falling from the bed. He could stop his shaking and started vomiting blood. .. and near him the letter felt down. The letter was filled with small drops of blood and the writing style change from half of it.
“Eziel, ill be short and I hope someday you’ll find someone to love. The truth is I knew from a time why you were with me. But you got the wrong person to make it suffer. You been manipulated by an evil man who never cared of you. I knew I don’t have time. I always was sick. I knew I’ll never pass the age of 25. But the moment I saw you I felt in love on sight.
Is not time to write about pointless love stuff which soon will be meaningless for both of us. I just hope someday you’ll be able to smile. I’ll help you feel better. I’ll die for you…My father mans on my request started doing an investigation in which showed the fire was not put by my family. Only one person did that – his partner. He was stealing money and was doing illegal trade’s trough it. You father found out few days before he disappeared. We believe he killed him and took the rest of the money and made in a way that all to think he run away with them.
This part might bring you bad memories but I must tell you about your brother death as well. Is true, I knew him. We were good friends in school but nothing much. He was always telling me he felt in love on an adult and the feeling is mutual. The man was just playing with your brother which at that age was to naïve to think something might not be how he thinks. When he got bored and when your brother found the money and had to shut his mouth or scared him in a way. He called him on that hotel and meanwhile he paid few delinquents to scare him and give him a good beat. But things didn’t went how it should so they said to have some fun as well. And last your mother. He killed her because she said to him would put someone to look for your father. He got scared. Then he took you in care to have you under his observation. You only been fooled by him. Easy task for him. You were already messed up and you couldn’t see anymore through his lies. You were only satisfied to see someone suffering …
If you don’t believe anything ask him. He will tell you all on the police were my mans took him after he confess all to us.
Forgive me. I really loved you but my body can’t stand anymore the pain and I’m to tired to fight for my life anymore. I’ll let you free now. I’ll take your burden with me in the grave. I love you, Enya.
Few hours later Eziel run away from the hospital, wandering around the city without a place to go and more empty and broke that he never felt. The rain started pouring but he was not feeling anything. His view was blurry and he was feeling sick. Without noticing he arrived at the building in which Enya took his life before his eyes. And felt to the ground wishing to die as well. His eyes were heavy and he started and began to cough very ugly.
Suddenly the rain stopped and Eziel open his eyes and looked up. In his front was a man holding an umbrella over him. He had glasses and was wearing a black suit coat. The man stretched out his hand to him and gentle said with a smile on his face “ Still can’t cry?
Two years has passed since all the trauma from Eziel life has ended. He still collapses but is my job to look over him. How I promised to my young master on his death bed before giving him that gun. He lost so much weight that time looking mostly like a corpse than a human being. He even stopped eating, mostly sleeping and always screaming and having nightmares. Even after one year his wounds are still bleeding but one night he finally could cry. And cried for days without stopping almost. He did loved my master. Now he can’t tell anymore his feeling… Are lost forever like his heart his. His eyes are hollow, his body is numb, before him he only see is darkness… Eziel has died twice in and now is just a living corpse at only 25 years … Should I let him die?