Stops, *thousand yard stare*
Posted 10-13-2009 at 11:12 AM by andrew.wa
Aki-Chan asked me if I was applying for bachelors programs for spring quarter, which I could be doing, and well it turned into this blog.
Well it is definitely the most logical and probably lucrative choice I could make to start applying for bachelor's programs. But something is wrong. My heart's just not in it. I having some sort of internal conflict I don't fully understand. There's a lack of joy or sense of necessity. Maybe my life is just too easy right now. I used to work hard in school to impress others. I've always known I was smart and could do anything so I guess I've always kind of felt like whats the point in trying to impress myself; I already know what I'm capable of. Why did I do this? Because I was young and in love. Because I wanted respect from my peers, I wanted to feel exceptional. But I've grown out of that and now its like why am busting my ass now? To impress myself, or a bunch of bureaucrats from the College Board? I don't care about that. I want to do something exceptional. You know it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite persons:
"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." - Albert Einstein
I don't just want a job. I've always felt like I should develop my skills so I can help society, what the hells the point of developing software or websites? Sure its a little fun, but I'd rather die working on something truly meaningful than live a glamorous life as a wealthy computer engineer.
I'm deeply troubled with humanity and the plight of our planet. But the struggle feels hopeless. There are so many greedy people and so many gears of war and industry turning it feels like we're already doomed.
Its a combination of overpopulation, but more so, over consumption and pollution.
I wish I could do something. There has never ever been something that I couldn't do if I was determined to do it and I feel like I shouldn't waist that potential. Yet there is so little one person can do it feels hopeless.
The only solution I can see is scientific advancement. Science and technology has always intrigued me. Its the power of a single man's work (well or the collaboration of a few brilliant teams) and a single invention or discovery that can change the face of humanity. Its those breakthroughs we're looking for. Particularly its the advancement in physics that I find most fascinating. But in the end is it still hopeless? How will 7 billion people from a million different cultures get the message that we need to change are daily lives and make sacrifices in order to save the environment before its too late? :\
How in the Hell are we going to stop the greedy nations and industries from doing lucrative things that happen to be bringing about our own destruction?
But maybe I'm just being idealistic. If it is really hopeless than maybe I should just live a selfish shallow life and find profit and cheap joy and be the exact consumer ***** who is the problem with this world until I die and let future generations suffer the consequences. Just exactly like humanity has done for thousands of generations.
Its catching up with us though. We've gone too far and we've spread too much and there will be someday that no technology or fix will be able to save us. What I fear most is maybe we've already even reached that point of no return.
Thinking about it fills me with anger and shame and sadness and it all feels so hopeless that I'm just doing nothing right now, which makes me feel doubly more shameful, angry, and depressed. GAH
Well it is definitely the most logical and probably lucrative choice I could make to start applying for bachelor's programs. But something is wrong. My heart's just not in it. I having some sort of internal conflict I don't fully understand. There's a lack of joy or sense of necessity. Maybe my life is just too easy right now. I used to work hard in school to impress others. I've always known I was smart and could do anything so I guess I've always kind of felt like whats the point in trying to impress myself; I already know what I'm capable of. Why did I do this? Because I was young and in love. Because I wanted respect from my peers, I wanted to feel exceptional. But I've grown out of that and now its like why am busting my ass now? To impress myself, or a bunch of bureaucrats from the College Board? I don't care about that. I want to do something exceptional. You know it reminds me of one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite persons:
"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." - Albert Einstein
I don't just want a job. I've always felt like I should develop my skills so I can help society, what the hells the point of developing software or websites? Sure its a little fun, but I'd rather die working on something truly meaningful than live a glamorous life as a wealthy computer engineer.
I'm deeply troubled with humanity and the plight of our planet. But the struggle feels hopeless. There are so many greedy people and so many gears of war and industry turning it feels like we're already doomed.
Its a combination of overpopulation, but more so, over consumption and pollution.
I wish I could do something. There has never ever been something that I couldn't do if I was determined to do it and I feel like I shouldn't waist that potential. Yet there is so little one person can do it feels hopeless.
The only solution I can see is scientific advancement. Science and technology has always intrigued me. Its the power of a single man's work (well or the collaboration of a few brilliant teams) and a single invention or discovery that can change the face of humanity. Its those breakthroughs we're looking for. Particularly its the advancement in physics that I find most fascinating. But in the end is it still hopeless? How will 7 billion people from a million different cultures get the message that we need to change are daily lives and make sacrifices in order to save the environment before its too late? :\
How in the Hell are we going to stop the greedy nations and industries from doing lucrative things that happen to be bringing about our own destruction?
But maybe I'm just being idealistic. If it is really hopeless than maybe I should just live a selfish shallow life and find profit and cheap joy and be the exact consumer ***** who is the problem with this world until I die and let future generations suffer the consequences. Just exactly like humanity has done for thousands of generations.
Its catching up with us though. We've gone too far and we've spread too much and there will be someday that no technology or fix will be able to save us. What I fear most is maybe we've already even reached that point of no return.
Thinking about it fills me with anger and shame and sadness and it all feels so hopeless that I'm just doing nothing right now, which makes me feel doubly more shameful, angry, and depressed. GAH
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Comments
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there are a lot of types of programs out there that will let you work on innovative projects. things is is that they're competitive to get into. you're obviously smart andy ^^ but as someone who's been through quite a bit of school, it is tiresome. it is emotionally draining. i used to have "existential crisis tuesdays" : D
but don't let that get you down. while it sometimes is, the degree isn't only a ticket to a job. it's your time to figure out what it is you're passionate about. at least for now. it's a foot in the door too. you meet connected people and get opportunities. you can travel abroad. don't let the hoops you have to jump through drag you down. it'll go very quickly, let me tell you XDPosted 10-13-2009 at 12:10 PM by
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