Journal >> meh.

So I don't really expect many people to read the whole thing >> but it was just a little journal entry I made last week to try and start a journal....didn't really work.

Quite often, I find myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. I wonder “who is this person I see? That’s not me!” I have a mental image of myself, a monster like no other. My past sins haunt me more than the eye can see.

In the mirror, I see a young woman, fully blossoming into adulthood, knowledge in her eyes, almost appearing happy. When did that happen I wonder? I feel no more of an adult than when I was thirteen. I’m always foolish and stupid, tossing away life lessons and this so-called “knowledge.” I know behind the smile there are tears ready to fall, anger ready to burst. The world looks down on me as I look down upon it.

I no longer struggle to fit in with society. I laugh and work, attend school, have my off days. If only they knew the truth behind it all. I am but a doll, controlling myself from the inside out, yet the outside in as well. Sometimes people say you have to take control of your life, make your wrongs a right. Honestly I do not believe you can do that all on your own. You choose which doors to open, which path to take. However, it is not all your own. There are obstacles and doubt. Sometimes it is laid out for you, clear as day, and all you can manage to say is NO because it shouldn’t be that way.

When you’ve reached what you believe to be true happiness, it’s ripped out from under your feet. Happiness is but a fleeting memory, a last look at what used to be, what you couldn’t see. Still, at the end of it all, they expect you to pretend as if nothing happened, be happy or pay the price. There is nothing worse than knowing you’re all alone, sharing your pain with no one else. Yes, people have their own pain and say they understand, but they can’t comprehend how it feels to you, how it could differ from one to another. A living hell, if you will.

I have seen people –friends and family – come and go with little but a hello and goodbye. Never found that one person to be there through it all. Maybe I look scary or put out a murderous aura, but people never seem to want to approach me. So I don’t approach them. No matter how I look at it, there’s nothing but a fall at the end.