Thankies!!
For Taking Time
Outta Your Life
To Read My
Bloggy Wog!!
For Taking Time
Outta Your Life
To Read My
Bloggy Wog!!
spider season......*crys*
Forget rainy April or snowblown February - early September is the very worst time of year, for one simple reason: it's spider season. Every year, right about now, thousands of the godless eight-legged bastards emerge from the bowels of hell (or the garden, whichever's nearest) with the sole intention of tormenting humankind. To a committed arachnophobe like me, spider season is like a live-action version of the videogame Doom.
What's the point of spiders anyway? They're just mobile nightmare units put on the Earth to eat flies and frighten people by scuttling out from under the TV stand and lolloping crazily toward you. Non-arachnophobes just don't get it. Fear of spiders isn't a choice, but a residual evolutionary trait that some people have and some don't, just as some people can fold their tongues and others can't. When I see a spider, I'm across the room before I know what's happened, like an animal running from an explosion. It's not learned behaviour, you patronising idiots. It's automatic code, hardwired into the brain. Some brains. My brain.
non-arachnophobes don't understand. Too lacking in imagination and/or basic human empathy to comprehend the instinctive primal reaction spiders provoke in genuine sufferers, they blather idiotic platitudes like "It's more scared of you than you are of it", which is absurd since a) spiders aren't gripped with hypnotic dread at the sight of people and b) the spider's primitive brain doesn't have any concept of fear, in much the same way it doesn't have any concept of what the Police Academy movies are.
Why the military doesn't get involved? Think about it: if the army fought the War on Spiders instead of the War on Terror, it would be a) winnable, b) cheaper, c) popular, and d) justifiable in the eyes of God. I'd certainly slumber more soundly in my bed if I knew Our Lads were available on 24-hour call-out; a dedicated anti-arachnid task force that would turn up at your home in the dead of night and splatter that absolute whopper that ran under the cupboard an hour ago and has left you unable to sleep ever since. Oh, and please note I'm suggesting the use of lethal force as a default. None of this fannying around with pint glasses and sheets of paper and "putting him outside". He'll just crawl in again, stupid. If a murderer climbed through your window you wouldn't just "put him in the garden". You wouldn't rest until you saw his brains sloshed up the wall. It's the same with spiders. If it's not been reduced to a gritty, twitching smear, it's not been dealt with at all.
Actually, since this is a liberal paper, I suppose arrest and detention might be acceptable. The army could take care of that: scoop the bastards up and whisk them away to spider prison. The cells would need impossibly tiny bars, mind. Anyway, that's what this country needs: an armed response to the arachnid menace. That this hasn't happened is the greatest tragedy of our age.
Charlie Brooker on spider season | Comment is free | The Guardian
What's the point of spiders anyway? They're just mobile nightmare units put on the Earth to eat flies and frighten people by scuttling out from under the TV stand and lolloping crazily toward you. Non-arachnophobes just don't get it. Fear of spiders isn't a choice, but a residual evolutionary trait that some people have and some don't, just as some people can fold their tongues and others can't. When I see a spider, I'm across the room before I know what's happened, like an animal running from an explosion. It's not learned behaviour, you patronising idiots. It's automatic code, hardwired into the brain. Some brains. My brain.
non-arachnophobes don't understand. Too lacking in imagination and/or basic human empathy to comprehend the instinctive primal reaction spiders provoke in genuine sufferers, they blather idiotic platitudes like "It's more scared of you than you are of it", which is absurd since a) spiders aren't gripped with hypnotic dread at the sight of people and b) the spider's primitive brain doesn't have any concept of fear, in much the same way it doesn't have any concept of what the Police Academy movies are.
Why the military doesn't get involved? Think about it: if the army fought the War on Spiders instead of the War on Terror, it would be a) winnable, b) cheaper, c) popular, and d) justifiable in the eyes of God. I'd certainly slumber more soundly in my bed if I knew Our Lads were available on 24-hour call-out; a dedicated anti-arachnid task force that would turn up at your home in the dead of night and splatter that absolute whopper that ran under the cupboard an hour ago and has left you unable to sleep ever since. Oh, and please note I'm suggesting the use of lethal force as a default. None of this fannying around with pint glasses and sheets of paper and "putting him outside". He'll just crawl in again, stupid. If a murderer climbed through your window you wouldn't just "put him in the garden". You wouldn't rest until you saw his brains sloshed up the wall. It's the same with spiders. If it's not been reduced to a gritty, twitching smear, it's not been dealt with at all.
Actually, since this is a liberal paper, I suppose arrest and detention might be acceptable. The army could take care of that: scoop the bastards up and whisk them away to spider prison. The cells would need impossibly tiny bars, mind. Anyway, that's what this country needs: an armed response to the arachnid menace. That this hasn't happened is the greatest tragedy of our age.
Charlie Brooker on spider season | Comment is free | The Guardian
Total Comments 8
Comments
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agree with you on there awfulness but I tend to feel that way about all bugs in general... when I think about it it is silly to be afraid of them but regardless I amPosted 08-28-2009 at 03:46 AM by Empty_solace
- SpoilerPosted 08-28-2009 at 03:50 AM by
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omfg!
i hate spiders
+you didnt have to post a big picture >.<
im going to have nightmares now ;_;
because you....Posted 08-28-2009 at 03:52 AM by KillGirl -
mighty sensei thats a daddy long leg..thats a bad excuse for a spider. when its scared it does a hubba hubba dance
anyways..i agree with you! i hate the one that can fly! they fly right in your face and u can only turn and run and have the fear that it fell in ur hair....-shivers-Posted 08-28-2009 at 04:05 AM by kyo_lover -
I hate spiders :O Or any bugs for that matter, but spiders are just... ugh.... EEEEEEEEEEEEEK!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YUCKKKKY!Posted 08-28-2009 at 05:24 AM by Chicken993 - Though I don't want to hurt them
But I must KILL THEM.Posted 08-28-2009 at 05:25 AM by Chicken993 -
lol chicken, slight case of contradicting urself there lol
Posted 08-28-2009 at 05:35 AM by |*PNA*| ARES -
i dislike this very much.....this is just an excuse just to kill another innocent animal
i dont like spiders, i am scared of them too >.< but that was just ****ing ridiculous. and where the hell do they get off saying they cant fear? of course they are afraid Dx thats why the defend themselves...just...just, why did i even read this! and they do eat bugs! flies would overrun the world if it wasnt for them Dx than people would be wanting to get rid of them too! and it would be a never ending cycle D:<Posted 08-29-2009 at 07:15 AM by krazy13kitty
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